The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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