Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
