My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
smell my finger.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
