just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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