I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
