You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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