Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My breath smells like gin and sadness
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
