I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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