My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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