I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
