i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
