what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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