I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
