You made me cry and you don't even care
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
