im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
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i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
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I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
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