There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
