Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Did you pee in the oven last night??
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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