I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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