So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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