we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
