my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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