I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
