eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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