apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
zippers are such a cool invention
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Randomize
