I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Operation Purity has been aborted
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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