Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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