i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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