i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
