just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
