i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
