Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize