i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
