My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
