dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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