Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
