we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
