Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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