Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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