I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
