Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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