Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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