I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
