mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
