scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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