My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
