I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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