i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
