i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
