If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
