I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
