I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
