DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
