you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
